Over the past week or so, the ever more productive Republican gaffe machine shifted into overdrive. The violence and chaos in Iraq produced prodigious new helpings of conservative revisionist history. In Washington, Cheney chief-of-staff Scooter Libby learned his much deserved fate, while Attorney General Alberto Gonzales awaited a looming no-confidence vote. Even as GOP presidential hopefuls jumped ship on George W. Bush, the Republican '08 race was made spicier by the mainstream media's schoolgirl crush on Mitt Romney and Ronald Reagan's words from the beyond. And on Capitol Hill, House Minority Leader John Boehner delivered a bumper crop of compassionate conservative life.

Here, then, are the latest GOP Quotes of the Week:

Department of Revisionist History

"We haven't started the surge - the full surge - yet. So let me have a few months."
General David Petraeus, June 5, 2007.

"We're only about two months into the surge."
General David Petraeus, April 25, 2007.

"What is taking place in Anbar is almost breathtaking."
General David Petraeus, on progress in Iraq, June 8, 2007.

"I don't see an end game, as it were, in sight."
Ryan Crocker, U.S. Ambassador to Iraq, June 6, 2007.

"If he [Saddam] had complied with the United Nations resolutions to allow IAEA inspectors into his country, we wouldn't be having this conversation."
Mitt Romney, asked by Sean Hannity if he would have supported war in Iraq knowing what he knows now, May 8, 2007

"Let's turn back the clock and Saddam Hussein had opened up his country to IAEA inspectors and they'd come in and they'd found that there were no weapons of mass destruction...we wouldn't be in the conflict we're in."
Mitt Romney, asked by Wolf Blitzer if he would have supported war in Iraq knowing what he knows now, June 5, 2007.

"The worst terrorist we had in Iraq was a guy named Abu Musab al Zarqawi."
Vice President Cheney, claiming Saddam harbored the terrorist the Senate Intelligence Committee report conclusively showed Hussein was trying to capture, June 4, 2007.

"We're fighting a war over there [in Iraq] because the enemy attacked us first."
Vice President Cheney, May 26, 2007.

"Nobody can promise us we won't be hit again."
Vice President Cheney, May 26, 2007.

"If we make the wrong choice then the danger is that we'll get hit again."
Vice President Cheney, on why Americans should vote for George W. Bush and not John Kerry, September 7, 2004.

"I recognize there are a handful there, or some, who just say, 'Get out, you know, it's just not worth it. Let's just leave.' I strongly disagree with that attitude. Most Americans do as well."
President Bush, contradicting polls showing that 63% of Americans want to withdraw from Iraq by 2008, May 28, 2007.

"I'm not an architect of anything."
Paul Wolfowitz, former Iraq war architect at the Pentagon, May 30, 2007.

"I don't know if they're going to do a reprinting of the book to try to get the facts straight."
Tony Snow, on Al Gore's book correctly identifying President Bush's deceptions in the run-up to the war in Iraq, May 23, 2007.

"I think we've had a very great week this week."
Dana Perino, White House spokesperson, June 1, 2007.

Baghdad Blues

"I am the president!"
President Bush, while thumping his chest, reported May 31, 2007.

"It's their government's choice. If they were to say, leave, we would leave."
President Bush, on Iraq, May 24, 2007.

"We're not leaving [Iraq] so long as I’m the president. That would be a huge mistake."
President Bush, on Iraq, August 21, 2006.

"Sir, that's the design."
General Douglas Lute, proposed U.S. Iraq War Czar, on National security Adviser Stephen Hadley having no role with regards to Iraq and Afghanistan, June 7, 2007.

"I don't believe it undercuts their morale. and, in fact, that’s what we’ve sworn to protect and defend."
General Douglas Lute, proposed U.S. Iraq War Czar ¸on domestic debate over Iraq war strategy and funding, June 7, 2007.

"During the review, I registered concerns that a military 'surge' would likely have only temporary and localized effects unless it were accompanied by counterpart 'surges' by the Iraqi government and the other, nonmilitary agencies of the U.S. government."
General Douglas Lute, proposed U.S. Iraq War Czar, June 7, 2007.

"I'm sorry it's come to be, but that's what happens in life. We'll move on."
President Bush, on the resignation of Tony Blair, June 7, 2007.

"Could be."
President Bush, on whether he is responsible for Tony Blair's downfall, May 17, 2007.

"By September, when General Petraeus is to make a report, I think most of the people in Congress believe, unless something extraordinary occurs, that we should be on a move to draw those surge numbers down."
Senator Jeff Sessions (R-AL), May 27, 2007.

"The handwriting is on the wall. We are headed in a different direction, in the fall, in Iraq. And the president is going to be the one to lead the way."
Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY), May 26, 2007.

"It is a very careful process, and not one that's used indiscriminately or just for political purposes."
Senator Trent Lott (R-MS), on President Bush's declassification of two-year old classified report days before war funding vote hoping to show Al Qaeda role in Iraq, May 23, 2007.

The War on Terror

"I believe fully the president is doing the right thing, and I think all we need is some attacks on American soil like we had on [Sept. 11, 2001 ], and the naysayers will come around very quickly."
Dennis Milligan, chairman of the Arkansas Republican Party, June 3, 2007.

"Capture one of these killers, and he'll be quick to demand the protections of the Geneva Convention and the Constitution of the United States."
Vice President Cheney, May 26, 2007.

"If it was up to me, I would close Guantanamo - not tomorrow, this afternoon."
Colin Powell, June 10, 2007.

"I think some people see Guantanamo as a source of America's arrogance, and I see it as a source of America's resolve."
Mitt Romney, June 5, 2007.

"They are a threat to your children, David."
President Bush, on the enemy in Iraq, to NBC's David Gregory, May 24 2007.

"This notion about how this isn't a war on terror in my view is naive."
President Bush, May 23, 2007.

"We actually misnamed the war on terror."
President Bush, August 16, 2004.

Free Scooter!

"CIA clearly didn't really give a shit about keeping her identity secret if she's going to work at f**king Langley...I call bullshit on that, I don't care what they say."
Tucker Carlson, MSNBC host and son of Scooter Libby Defense Fund adviser Tucker Carlson, on outed CIA agent Valerie Plame's confirmed covert status, June 6, 2007.

"For [Libby prosecutor Patrick] Fitzgerald, to get on his high horse, it's disgusting and he should be ashamed of himself."
Richard Carlson, Scooter Libby Defense Fund adviser and father of MSNBC host Tucker Carlson, May 29, 2007.

"Speaking as friends, we hope that our system will return a final result consistent with what we know of this fine man."
Vice President Cheney, on the sentencing of Scooter Libby, June 5, 2007.

" He says he feels terrible for them, he's sorry for all that they're going through."
Dana Perino, White House spokesperson, on President Bush's reaction to the Libby sentence and its impact on Libby's family, June 5. 2007.

Here Today, Gonzo Tomorrow

"Mr. Comey's testimony related to a highly classified program which the president confirmed to the American people sometime ago."
Alberto Gonzales, on revelations by Comey on March 2004 confrontation at John Ashcroft's bedside with Gonzales over illegal NSA domestic surveillance, June 5, 2007.

"There has not been any serious disagreement about the program that the president has confirmed."
Alberto Gonzales, regarding views of illegal NSA domestic surveillance within the administation, February 6, 2006.

"I intend to spend the next year and a half in a sprint to the finish line."
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, facing imminent no-confidence vote, June 1, 2007.

"I told my press secretary when she was asked that...just better play it close to our vest. So, I guess I won't answer your question."
Senator Chuck Grassley (R-IA), asked whether he still supports Alberto Gonzales, May 27, 2007.

"The statements made by the attorney general during this meeting were intended only to comfort her in a very difficult period."
Brian Roehrkrasse, DOJ spokesperson, on whether Alberto Gonzales tried to influence the testimony of Monica Goodling during a meet with her, May 23, 2007.

"There not only is no evidence of wrongdoing, but there is no allegation of any wrongdoing on your part."
Rep. Steve King (R-IA), to Monica Goodling, during House hearing in which she admitted violating the Hatch Act, May 23, 2007.

"I believe I crossed the line, but I didn't mean to."
Monica Goodling, May 23, 2007.

"I don't think that I could have done it more than 50 times, but I don't know."
Monica Goodling, asked how often she considered political affiliations in hiring of career DOJ personnel, May 23, 2007.

"This investigation is taking a long time, kind of being drug out, I suspect...for political reasons."
President Bush, on U.S. attorneys purge inquiries, May 25, 2007.

"If there's wrongdoing, it will be taken care of."
President Bush, on U.S. attorneys purge, May 24, 2007.

"I stand by Al Gonzales."
President Bush, May 21, 2007.

Your Next Republican President?

"Lots of things."
Fred Thompson, likely GOP White House contender asked by NBC's Tim Russert what he'd do as President, June 3, 2007.

"No."
Fred Thompson, likely GOP White House contender asked by NBC's Tim Russert if he would elaborate on what those "lots of things" would be, June 3, 2007.

"You think she thinks she works the pole?"
MSNBC host Joe Scarborough, on Fred Thompson's supposed "trophy wife," June 2, 2007.

"Strong, clear, gives good soundbite and has shoulders you could land a 737 on."
Roger Simon of Politico.com on Mitt Romney, June 5, 2007.

"He's got the jaw going on, the little gray thing in there. And I think that means a lot in America."
Bill O'Reilly, on Mitt Romney, May 31, 2007.

"Maybe his solution will be to get out his small varmint gun and drive those Guatemalans off his lawn."
John McCain, on Mitt Romney's immigration stand, May 21, 2007.

"I do not believe in teaching about sex or contraception in public schools."
Governor Mike Huckabee (R-AR), May 21, 2007.

"I think he's crazy."
Ronald Reagan, on Rudy Giuliani, reported May 28, 2007.

"Oh my God, is that right?...It's a nice day, the weather's nice."
John McCain, on missing the equivalent of six weeks worth of Senate votes while campaigning, May 26, 2007.

With Friends Like These...

"I would certainly not send him to the United Nations."
Tommy Thompson, asked what role George W. Bush would play in a Thompson administration, June 5, 2007.

"I'd tell George W. Bush never to darken the door of the White House."
Rep. Tom Tancredo, asked what role George W. Bush would play in a Tancredo administration, June 5, 2007.

"The government is not functioning. It's not getting the job done. Republicans need to confront this reality."
Newt Gingrich, on the Bush administration, June 3, 2007.

"Russia is not our enemy."
President Bush, to Russian President Vladimir Putin at G8 Summit, June 4, 2007.

"It would be funny if it was not so sad."
Russian President Vladimir Putin, on Bush's proposed missile defense system in Czech Republic and Poland, June 4, 2007.

"I looked the man in the eye. I was able to get a sense of his soul. I knew that President Putin was a man with whom I could work."
President Bush, on Vladimir Putin, November 15, 2001.

"Well, there's too many to count now."
Dan Bartlett, outgoing White House communications director, asked what mistakes the White House would like to "do over," June 1, 2007.

The Wisdom of John Boehner

"If the charges against Congressman Jefferson are true, he should be expelled from the House of Representatives, or he should resign to spare his constituents and colleagues any further indignity."
House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH), on whether indicted Democratic Congressman William Jefferson should resign, June 4, 2007.

"That's a decision that he and his family are going to have to make."
House Minority Leader John Boehner, asked by Fox's Chris Wallace if indicted Republican Congressman Bob Ney should resign, September 17, 2006.

"The country owes Tom a great debt of gratitude for helping lead America in a new direction...He has served our nation with integrity and honor, and I'm honored to call him my colleague and friend."
House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH), on indicted Republican Congressman Tom Delay, April 3, 2006.

"After 3,000 of our fellow citizens died at the hands of these terrorists, when are we going to stand up and take them on?"
House Minority Leader John Boehner, on Iraq war funding, May 24, 2007.

"I promised the President today that I wouldn't say anything bad about...this piece of s**t bill."
House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH), on the immigration bill, May 23, 2007.

More Compassionate Conservatism and Republican Family Values

"Does it solve the problem for the woman that's been raped?"
Sam Brownback (R-KS), on his opposition to abortion for rape victims, June 9, 2007.

"Homosexuality isn't natural or healthy."
Dr. James Holsinger Jr., Bush nominee for Surgeon General, in 1991 paper, reported June 7, 2007.

"I was no longer committing adultery by that time, the impeachment trial. There's a big difference. Also, I had returned to Christ and repented my sins by that time."
Tom Delay, on the difference between his adultery and that of Newt Gingrich, June 4, 2007.

"God has spoken to me. I listen to God, and what I've heard is that I'm supposed to devote myself to rebuilding the conservative base of the Republican Party."
Tom Delay, June 4, 2007.

"The Vice President and his wife Lynne are joining their daughter Mary in playing this homosexual game of 'house.'"
Stephen Bennett, spokesman for Concerned Women for America, on the birth of Mary Cheney's son, May 30, 2007.

"I'm deeply concerned about America losing its soul...if we don't solve the problem it's going to affect America. It will affect our economy and it will affect our soul."
President Bush, on importance of his immigration bill, May 29, 2007.

"Disagreeing with your government is not unpatriotic and most certainly should not be a crime in any country, especially a democracy."
Condi Rice, May 28, 2007.

"I want more babies. More babies. We love babies."
Leslee Unruh, president of the National Abstinence Clearinghouse, speaking out against a new contraceptive, May 24, 2007.

"I am never going to hire another woman because they just get pregnant and leave."
Howard Zinsmeister, Bush domestic policy adviser, May 21, 2007.

Fox and Friends

"Well, the whitest man in America, who is the black man's best friend, is now being alleged to be a racist for having invented something called ooga booga fever."
Fox's John Gibson, describing himself, June 4, 2007.

"It sounds like Abu Ghraib."
Fox Morning show host Greg Kelly, on Paris Hilton not being allowed to use her cell phone while it jail, June 4, 2007.

"John Glenn - who was a wonderful man, but not somebody normally you would think capable of being a real partisan spearchucker."
Brit Hume, June 3, 2007.

The complete list of calamitous conservative quotes is available here.

The past week was a bittersweet time of garbled goodbyes and failed farewells for President Bush and his amen corner on the right. In Washington, Paul Wolfowitz resigned in disgrace, Tony Blair bid adieu to both President and his own legacy, and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales faced new charges of malpractice over his Ashcroft bedside manner. Meanwhile, as President Bush dug in his heels over his fiasco in Iraq, the Teletubby terrorist Jerry Falwell shuffled off this mortal coil. Together, these unhappy endings produced yet another rhetorical gaffefest for the GOP.

Here, then, are the GOP Quotes of the Week:

Bedtime for Gonzo

"I'd rather trade places with Jose Padilla."
Viet Dinh, former senior Justice official under then-Attorney General John Ashcroft, about replacing Paul McNulty as Alberto Gonzales' deputy attorney general, May 19, 2007.

"Being able to go and having a very candid conversation and telling the president: 'Mr. President, this cannot be done. You can't do this,' - I think you want that."
Alberto Gonzales, May 19, 2007.

"No."
Alberto Gonzales, asked to share an example of a time he told President Bush "you can't do this," May 19, 2007.

"I had just witnessed an effort to take advantage of a very sick man."
James Comey, on then-White House Counsel Alberto Gonzales' browbeating the hospitalized John Ashcroft on March 10, 2004 to approve illegal NSA domestic spying, May 16, 2007.

"There's a lot of speculation about what happened and what didn't happen. I'm not going to talk about it."
President Bush, asked if he sent Gonzales to coerce the bed-ridden John Ashcroft in 2004, May 17, 2007.

"Trying to take advantage of a sick man. Because he had an appendectomy, his brain didn't work?"
Tony Snow, on Comey's assertion that Alberto Gonzales tried to coerce John Ashcroft, then bed-ridden with a pancreatic condition following gall bladder surgery, May 16, 2007.

"I wouldn't characterize those as top aides."
Alberto Gonzales, regarding chief-of-staff Kyle Sampson and White House liaison Monica Goodling, May 15, 2007.

"At the end of the day, the recommendations reflected the views of the deputy attorney general. He signed off on the names."
Alberto Gonzales, following the resignation of Deputy Attorney General Paul McNulty, May 15, 2007.

"The one person I would care about would be the views of the deputy attorney general, because the deputy attorney general is the direct supervisor of the United States attorneys."
Alberto Gonzales, following the resignation of Deputy Attorney General Paul McNulty, May 15, 2007.

"Looking back, things that I would have done differently? I think I would have had the deputy attorney general more involved, directly involved."
Alberto Gonzales, testifying to the Senate Judiciary Committee, April 19, 2007.

"People are now asking, if you're a good U.S. attorney, why aren't you getting fired?"
Fired Seattle U.S. prosecutor John McKay, May 9, 2007.

"[Y]ou're asking me a question I hadn't really thought about."
Alberto Gonzales, asked if any U.S. citizens were being denied their habeas corpus rights, May 10, 2007.

"There is no express grant of habeas in the Constitution."
Alberto Gonzales, January 19, 2007.

Between Iraq and a Hard Place

"Could be."
President Bush, on whether he is responsible for Tony Blair's downfall, May 17, 2007.

"You have to undercut the perception of occupation in Iraq. It's very difficult to do that when you have 150,000-plus, largely western, foreign troops occupying the country."
Bush "War Czar" Lt. General Douglas Lute, August 24, 2005.

"Well, people know we're still in Germany and in South Korea."
Rep. Jack Kingston (R-GA), asked whether the American people will support U.S. troops remaining in Iraq for 10 more years, May 16, 2007.

"No one knows how to define progress in such a mixed-up situation. We're having trouble measuring it. Imagine building a house without a ruler. It would be like the Dow Jones. Nobody accuses the Dow Jones of being biased. It would be good information for all of us. And then you could say who's winning and losing."
Rep. Jack Kingston (R-GA), on creating benchmarks for Iraq, May 13, 2007.

"We tend to not deal with them very often. We have our own mission, and we do our own thing."
Paul Brinkley, undersecretary of defense, on working with the State Department officials at the U.S. embassy in Baghdad, May 14, 2007.

"If they vote to ask us to leave, we'll be glad to comply."
Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY), on the Iraqi government, May 13, 2007.

"As far as the Iraqi parliament is concerned, the Iraqi government obviously doesn't feel that way."
John McCain, on the majority vote of the Iraqi parliament calling for the U.S. to withdraw, May 13, 2007.

"I had an armed escort because, because that's what General Petraeus thought we ought to have...I didn't call for the kind of, quote, protection that was around me. I'll be glad to go back to that market...with or without military protection and humvees, etc."
John McCain, on repeating his April trip to a Baghdad market, May 13, 2007.

"Let's don't declare this war lost because you're telling all these soldiers and Petraeus that they're losers."
Lindsay Graham (R-SC), to Senator Barbara Boxer, May 13, 2007.

"Keep your mouth shut."
Governor Sonny Perdue (R-GA), to Iraq war critics, May 11, 2007.

"Obviously, the President bears the major part of the burden."
Vice President Cheney, asked if he considered himself a "cold-blooded warmonger" who doesn't care about U.S. war casualties, May 10, 2007.

Republican Family Values

"The president's proposal provides a good quality of life for service members and their families."
White House statement on President Bush rejection of 3.5% pay increase for U.S. military servicemen and women, May 16, 2007.

"If they f**k with me or Shaha, I have enough on them to f**k them, too"
Paul Wolfowitz, on his opponents at the World Bank, May 15, 2007.

"F**k you! I know more about this than anyone else in the room."
John McCain, speaking to fellow Republican Senator John Cornyn (R-TX) about immigration bill, May 17, 2007.

"Falwell was a perfected Christian. He exuded Christian love for all men."
Ann Coulter, May 16, 2007.

"I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America. I point the finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen."
Jerry Falwell, on blame for 9/11, September 13, 2001.

"He could come back without arms, legs or eyeballs, and you're (whining)? You're not dodging bullets, so I don't want to hear any whining."
Laura Schlesinger, speaking to military wives, May 14, 2007.

"We've told people they can air those trailers out."
FEMA Director David Paulison, on high levels of formaldehyde in FEMA trailers used by Katrina victims, May 16, 2007.

"Here in the womb is a child that we're talking about doing this to."
Senator Sam Brownback, pointing to his abdomen, May 15, 2007.

"He's no more racist than any white male."
Rice University professor Bob Stein, on Ted Poe (R-TX) who approvingly quoted Ku Klux Klan founder Nathan Bedford Forrest, May 12, 2007.

"Let other federal agencies, as more than a dozen already do, cover the 'bugs and bunnies.' But let our spies be spies."
Rep. Pete Hoekstra (R-MI), regarding CIA analysis of impact of global warming, May 10, 2007.

"You compare Bill Clinton's peccadilloes for which he was impeached to George Bush's high crimes and misdemeanors or Dick Cheney's high crimes and misdemeanors, and I think they pale in significance."
Colonel Lawrence Wilkerson, former aide to Colin Powell, May 10, 2007.

"I am not happy with the Republican Party today."
Chuck Hagel(R-NE), May 13, 2007.

God's Own Party

"I cannot, and will not, vote for Rudy Giuliani in 2008. My conscience and my moral convictions will allow me to do nothing else."
James Dobson, May 18, 2007.

"As conservative Christians who take the Bible seriously, we have probably irreconcilable differences on life and family and that kind of thing...I couldn't support him for president."
Jerry Falwell, on Rudy Giuliani, April 17, 2006.

"If you vote for Mitt Romney, you are voting for Satan!"
Bill Keller, host of the Florida-based Live Prayer TV, May 11, 2007.

"Neither party should be defined by pandering to the outer reaches of American politics and the agents of intolerance, whether they be Louis Farrakhan or Al Sharpton on the left, or Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell on the right."
John McCain, on Jerry Falwell, February 28, 2000.

"I join the students, faculty, and staff of Liberty University and Americans of all faiths in mourning the loss of Reverend Jerry Falwell. Dr. Falwell was a man of distinguished accomplishment who devoted his life to serving his faith and country."
John McCain, May 16, 2007.

Following in Reagan's Footsteps

"I haven't changed my position in even-numbered years or...because of the different offices that I may be running for."
John McCain, regarding Mitt Romney, May 16, 2007.

"We're not hostile to the administration. We just want it to be over."
Unnamed Republican Congressman, to Robert Novak, May 16, 2007.

"I'm looking for Jack Bauer."
Tom Tancredo (R-CO), supporting waterboarding and other detainee interrogation techniques, May 15, 2007.

"I would say every method they could think of."
Rudy Giuliani, supporting waterboarding and other detainee interrogation techniques, May 15, 2007.

"My view is, we ought to double Guantanamo."
Mitt Romney, May 15, 2007.

"This is fundamental blocking and tackling. This is your line in football. If you don't have a line, how many passes can Peyton Manning complete? Greatest quarterback, maybe, in NFL history."
Sam Brownback, speaking about families in Wisconsin, home of Green Bay Packers and legendary quarterback Brett Favre, May 12, 2007.

For the archives of conservative ditties past, visit here.

Over the past week, the continuing implosion of the Republican Party produced another bumper crop of jaw-dropping conservative gaffes and goofs. GOP infighting over the dismal realities in Iraq, Alberto Gonzales' PurgeGate scandal, and a fresh batch of right-wing rage combined to deliver new innovations in conservative rhetorical psychosis. And in recent days, White House hopeful Mitt Romney rivaled the current Oval Office occupant for sheer verbal incontinence.

What follows below, then, are the latest GOP Quotes of the Week:

Judging from the latest deluge of egregious gaffes, blunders and banality from the conservative chattering class, Stephen Colbert was certainly right that "reality has a well-known liberal bias." President Bush's wildly unpopular war funding veto, the continued entropy in Iraq, George Tenet's revisionist history and the rhetorical mishaps of 2008 GOP hopefuls combined to produce a hilarious - and disturbing - mix of Republican verbal psychosis.

Here, then, are the latest GOP Quotes of the Week:

Between Iraq and a Hard Place

"I'm the commander guy."
President Bush, May 2, 2007.

"Either we'll succeed, or we won't succeed."
President Bush, May 2, 2007.

"Imagine my beloved St. Louis Cardinals are playing the much despised Chicago Cubs. The Cardinals are are up by five, finishing the top of the ninth. Is this a cause for celebration?"
Rep. John Shimkus (R-IL), comparing Iraq withdrawal to a baseball game, May 2, 2007.

"The president never said 'mission accomplished'...We did prevail, in terms of toppling the Iraqi army and Saddam Hussein."
Dana Perino, asked about President Bush's statement four years ago that the "United States and our allies have prevailed" in Iraq, May 1, 2007.

"[There] is something of an al-Qaida surge going on."
Ryan Crocker, U.S. Ambassador to Iraq, May 1, 2007.

"That would put a kid in harms way, more so than he or she already is."
President Bush, on how withdrawing U.S. troops from Iraq would put them in greater danger, April 27, 2007.

"If the standard of success is no car bombings or suicide bombings, we have just handed those who commit suicide bombings a huge victory."
President Bush, April 25, 2007.

"I think Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi are getting very, very close to treason."
Tom Delay, April 24, 2007.

Republican Revisionist History

"It makes no sense to tell the enemy when you plan to start withdrawing."
President Bush, May 1, 2007.

"I think it's also important for the president to lay out a timetable as to how long they will be involved and when they will be withdrawn."
Candidate George W. Bush, regarding U.S. troops in Kosovo, June 5, 1999.

"Victory means exit strategy, and it's important for the president to explain to us what the exit strategy is."
Candidate George W. Bush, regarding U.S. troops in Kosovo, April 9, 1999.

"So America will hold the Iraqi government to the benchmarks it has announced."
President Bush, January 10, 2007.

"To begin now to tie our own hands and to say 'We must do this if they don't do that' doesn't allow us the flexibility and creativity that we need to move this forward...That's the problem with having so-called consequences."
Condi Rice, April 29, 2007.

"I don't know what we were supposed to preemptively strike in Afghanistan."
Secretary of State Rice, trying to rebut George Tenet's assertion that she ignored his July 2001 warnings about Al Qaeda, April 29, 2007.

"I will never give that medal back."
George Tenet, on the Medal of Freedom presented to him by President Bush, May 1, 2007.

"You had the impression that some Office of the Vice President and DOD reps were writing Chalabi's name over and over again in their notes, like schoolgirls with their first crush."
George Tenet, book excerpt, April 29, 2007.

"Nobody ever called me to say, 'Why are you going to Syria with those people?'"
Rep. David Hobson (R-OH), responding to Republicans only criticizing Nancy Pelosi and Democratic members of entourage traveling to Damascus, April 24, 2007.

GOP White House Hopefuls Watch

"I'm not in favor of his religion by any means. But he wrote a book called 'Battlefield Earth' that was a very fun science-fiction book."
Mitt Romney, naming Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard's book as his favorite novel, April 30, 2007.

"It's not worth moving heaven and earth spending billions of dollars just trying to catch one person."
Mitt Romney, on capturing Osama Bin Laden, April 26, 2007.

"So I don't know where he is. You know, I just don't spend that much time on him...I truly am not that concerned about him."
President Bush, March 13, 2002.

"America will be safer with a Republican president."
Rudy Giuliani, April 24, 2007.

"I don't know the answer to that."
Rudy Giuliani, asked if the "surge" in Iraq is working, April 24, 2007.

Compassionate Conservatism

"I can't help wondering if the day may yet come when the only thing that can save this country is a military coup."
Thomas Sowell, National Review Columnist, May 1, 2007.

"Now, I'm not saying that anybody's going to -- you know Al Gore's not going to be rounding up Jews and exterminating them. It is the same tactic, however."
CNN's Glenn Beck, April 30, 2007.

"This would be America's most shameful act of immorality since slavery."
Glenn Beck, on withdrawal from Iraq, April 24, 2007.

"If you're saying it's our fault that we unmasked them as knuckle-dragging savages from the 10th century -- fine."
Fox's John Gibson, on the Iraqi people, April 23, 2007.

"They're trying to destroy Christian America and install godless order."
Don Larsen, Utah Republican Party district chairman, backing resolution blaming Satan for illegal immigration, April 30, 2007.

"I am still confused as to why they chose to lie."
Jessica Lynch, on Pentagon's false stories of her heroism, April 24, 2007.

Bush Family Values

"We thank 'American Idol' viewers who have shown the good heart of America."
President Bush, May 2, 2007.

"The president loves him and Condi absolutely loves him."
Anonymous friend of Randall Tobias, who resigned amid revelations he availed himself of the services of the DC Madam, April 27, 2007.

"No one suffers more than their President and I do.
Laura Bush, on the war in Iraq, April 25, 2007.

"There might be a little Bush fatigue now."
George H.W. Bush, April 24, 2007.

For an archives of conservative ditties past, visit here.

If April showers bring May flowers, then this month's torrential downpour of Republican gaffes and guffaws promises a rosy future for Democrats. The implosion of Attorney General Alberto Gonzales over the U.S attorneys scandal, the missteps of 2008 GOP presidential contenders, criminality from a new crop of Banana Republicans and the continuing entropy in Iraq combined to produce an endless supply of punchlines. And as usual, President Bush contributed his own words of wit and wisdom.

Here, then, are the latest GOP Quotes of the Week:

Alberto Gonzales and the U.S. Attorneys Purge

"He may be an idiot, I don't know."
Rush Limbaugh, on Alberto Gonzales, April 20, 2007.

"He is our No. 1 crime fighter."
Dana Perino, on Alberto Gonzales, April 20, 2007.

"I believe you ought to suffer the consequences that these others have suffered, and I believe the best way to put this behind us is your resignation."
Senator Tom Coburn, (R-OK), April 19, 2007.

"The moment I believe I can no longer be effective, I will resign."
Alberto Gonzales, April 19, 2007.

"I don't think you're going to win a debate about your preparation."
Arlen Specter (R-PA), to Alberto Gonzales, April 19, 2007.

"Senator, that I don't recall remembering."
Alberto Gonzales, April 19, 2007.

"I recall making the decision. I don't recall when the decision was made."
Alberto Gonzales, April 19, 2007.

"We screwed up and we're trying to fix it."
Dana Perino, on White House's handling of staff's RNC emails, April 12, 2007.

"When I said a handful I was asked based on something that I didn't know."
Dana Perino, White House spokesperson, on revelations that up to 50 Bush aides used external RNC email accounts for official business, April 12, 2007.

The Republican Culture of Corruption

"If there is anything that we should have learned from the Duke Lacrosse case, it is that the destruction of the reputations of innocent people can occur when the government, the press and the public jump to unfounded conclusions."
Rep. John Doolittle, (R-CA), April 20, 2007.

"I'm presently under indictment for laws that don't exist in Texas by a Nifong of Texas called Ronnie Earle, undermining our justice system here in Texas."
Tom Delay, April 16, 2007.

"We've got issues we need to work through."
Dick Cheney, asked about White House credibility problems, April 15, 2007.

The Verbal Incontinence of George W. Bush

"Putting up with me requires a lot of patience."
President Bush, April 19, 2007.

"Death is terrible."
President Bush, April 19, 2007.

"If you've got a chicken factory, a chicken-plucking factory, or whatever you call them, you know what I'm talking about."
President Bush, April 19, 2007.

"Running a country is no fun at all."
Laura Bush, reading to children on Easter, April 11, 2007.

Chaos in Iraq

"I think it was Osama bin Laden's."
Karl Rove, on whose idea it was to launch a pre-emptive invasion of Iraq, April 19, 2007.

"The very fundamental issue is, they don't know where the hell they're going."
Retired Marine Gen. John J. "Jack" Sheehan, on why he turned down the role of Bush "war czar," April 11, 2007.

"It was just like any open-air market in Indiana in the summertime."
Rep. Mike Pence (R-IN), April 4, 2007.

GOP White House Hopefuls Watch

""My response is, lighten up and get a life."
John McCain, responding to criticism of his "Bomb Iran" performance, April 20, 2007.

"Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran."
John McCain, responding to a question on Iran by singing to the tune of the Beach Boys' "Barbara Ann," April 19, 2007.

"I know what's best for the security of this nation."
John McCain, April 17, 2007.

"Our party has to get beyond issues like that."
Rudy Giuliani, on abortion, April 16, 2007.

"Thank youse all very much for invitin' me here tuh-day, to this meeting of the families from different parts'a California."
Rudy Giuliani, imitating the Godfather while on the stump, April 14, 2007.

"I'm in the private sector and for the first time in my life I'm earning money. You know that's sort of part of the Jewish tradition."
Tommy Thompson, April 16, 2007.

"You have to ask yourself, the first black man is running for president and nobody's afraid of him, because everybody's afraid of Hillary."
Dick Morris, April 10, 2007.

Miscellaneous Conservative Psychosis

"I hope it's your family members that die when terrorists strike."
Rep. Dana Rohrbacher, (R-CA), to members of the EU regarding U.S. practice of extraordinary rendition, April 20, 2007.

"The President believes that there is a right for people to bear arms, but that all laws must be followed."
White House spokesperson Dana Perino, on President Bush's reaction to the massacre at Virginia Tech, April 16, 2007.

"Who's the master and who's the slave in that relationship."
Indiana Republican Secretary of State Todd Rikita, on African-Americans' 90% support for Democrats, April 16, 2007.

"I am hesitant to see Southern Methodist University welcoming the institute of a Methodist who has been so contrary to the teachings of the Methodist Church."
Reverend C. Joseph Sprague, on proposed George W. Bush presidential library at SMU, April 13, 2007.

"He has the same sense of humor that Imus has."
Mary Matalin, on her former boss Dick Cheney, January 24, 2005.

For an archives of conservative ditties past, visit here.

Reeling from a cavalcade of scandals and policy disasters, President Bush and his water carriers among the Republican faithful offered up another healthy dose of eye-popping lies, hilarious hypocrisy, verbal psychosis and other rhetorical disasters in recent days. Carnage in Iraq, a disgraced Attorney General at home and myriad other woes produced another flood of GOP gaffes, proving perhaps that when your back is against the wall, your foot ends up in your mouth:

Iraq Debate

"I bought five rugs for five bucks."
Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC), on his claims of improving safety in Baghdad, April 1, 2007.

"There are neighborhoods in Baghdad where you and I could walk through those neighborhoods, today."
John McCain, March 26, 2007.

"They were just making fun of us and paid this visit just for their own interests. Do they think that when they come and speak few Arabic words in a very bad manner it will make us love them?"
Jaafar Moussa Thamir, Iraqi merchant at market visited by Senators John McCain and Lindsey Graham, April 3, 2007.

"The debate here on the Hill and the issues that have been raised have been helpful."
Defense Secretary Robert Gates, on Iraq funding debate in Congress, March 30, 2007.

"The administration doesn't like me to say civil war, but I'm afraid that's the way it is."
Colin Powell, March 26, 2007.

"We are fighting for the freedom of our children more than any war we have ever been in."
Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison (R-TX), March 19, 2007.

Gonzales and U.S. Attorneys Scandal

"I think the testimony obviously ought to be sworn testimony."
Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY), on the need for sworn testimony by Clinton White House aides, June 16, 1996.

"With regard to White House officials, it'll be up to the president to decide, frankly, whether and when and under what circumstances members of his own administration testify."
Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY), on need for sworn testimony by Bush White House aides, April 1, 2007.

"I don't recall being involved in deliberations involving the question of whether or not a U.S. attorney should or should not be asked to resign."
Alberto Gonzales, March 30, 2007.

"I don't think the attorney general's statement that he was not involved in any discussions of U.S. attorney removals was accurate."
Kyle Sampson, Alberto Gonzales' former chief-of-staff, March 29, 2007.

"I wish the Department hadn't gone down this road at all."
Kyle Sampson, Alberto Gonzales' former chief-of-staff, March 29, 2007.

"I'm not going to resign. I'm going to stay focused on protecting our kids."
Alberto Gonzales, March 22, 2007.

The Culture War

"We should replace bilingual education with immersion in English so people learn the common language of the country and they learn the language of prosperity, not the language of living in a ghetto."
Newt Gingrich, March 31, 2007.

"Well, that did not refer to Spanish [...] frankly, ghetto, historically had referred as a Jewish reference originally. I did not mention Hispanics."
Newt Gingrich, April 2, 2007.

What the...?

"The Democrats' honeymoon is fixing to end. It's going to explode like an IED."
Rep. Jack Kingston (R-GA), April 1, 2007.

"Put your big-girl panties on."
Education Secretary Margaret Spellings, to Dana Perino on filling in for Tony Snow, March 27, 2007.

"Liberals have finally joined the ranks of scoundrels like Hitler."
Tom Delay, March 26, 2007.

"It's possible to be a conservative without appearing to be an idiot."
Roscoe Bartlett (R-MD), during Gore hearings on global warming, March 22, 2007.

For more inadvertent conservative wit and wisdom, visit the archives here.

It was another dismal week for the Republican Party and a Bush presidency now in its last throes. The growing scandals over political motivated firings of U.S attorneys, the conviction of Scooter Libby, FBI Patriot Act law-breaking, the Walter Reed disgrace and continued chaos produced an unusually heavy crop of lies, gaffes and distortions from the usual suspects on the right.

U.S. Attorney Firings

"People have to believe in what we say."
Alberto Gonzales, March 9, 2007.

"One day there will be a new attorney general, maybe sooner rather than later."
Senator Arlen Specter, (R-PA), March 8, 2007.

"I can't even tell you how upset I am at the Justice Department."
Senator John Ensign, (R-NV), March 7, 2007.

"I hope that this episode ultimately will be recognized for what it is: an overblown personnel matter."
Alberto Gonzales, March 7, 2007.

"I would never ever make a change in a United States attorney position for political reasons or that in any way would jeopardize an ongoing investigation."
Alberto Gonzales, January 18, 2007.

"I think that the American people lose if I spend all my time worrying about congressional requests for information, if I spend all my time responding to subpoenas."
Alberto Gonzales, March 3, 2007.

"When I hear you talk about the politicizing of the Department of Justice, it's like a knife in my heart."
Deputy Attorney General Paul McNulty, February 6, 2007.

Scooter Libby Conviction

"We're gonna f**k 'em."
Harriet Grant, wife of Scooter Libby, reacting to her husband's conviction, March 6, 2007.

"This was a lengthy trial on a serious matter and a jury of his peers convicted him and we've got to respect that conviction."
President Bush, on Scooter Libby conviction, March 7, 2007.

"Knowing what I know today, I would have never said that back then."
Former press secretary Scott McClellan, on his 2003 assurances that Libby and Rove were not involved in outing CIA agent Valerie Plame, March 7, 2007.

Walter Reed Scandal

"If you leave food around in a motel room or a dorm room at a college, you're going to get some mice."
Rep. Phil Gingrey, (R-GA), March 8, 2007.

"They can go to Starbucks. It's just a short trip, and many of them want to get out [of the hospital] anyway."
Paul Boyce, Army spokesman on ending media access to wounded at Walter Reed, March 1, 2007.

Iraq

"There is no military solution to a problem like that in Iraq, to the insurgency of Iraq."
General David Petraeus, March 8, 2007.

"General Petraeus tells me we have a one in four chance that Bush's plan will work."
Oregon Senator Gordon Smith, March 2, 2007.

"Well, I don't know."
Tony Snow, asked whether Osama Bin Laden is the head of Al Qaeda, March 1, 2007.

"We didn't create the war in Iraq. We didn't create the war on terror."
Tony Snow, March 1, 2007.

Miscellaneous Republican Pathology

"He's not accountable anymore."
Senator Chuck Hagel, (R-NE), on President Bush, March 6, 2007.

"I have been called - my kids are all aware of this - dumb, crazy man, science abuser, Holocaust denier, villain of the month, hate-filled, warmonger, Neanderthal, Genghis Khan and Attila the Hun. And I can just tell you that I wear some of those titles proudly."
Senator James Inhofe, (R-OK), March 3, 2007.

"22,000 people were so uneducated and so unprepared, they literally couldn't get out of the way of a hurricane."
Newt Gingrich, on Katrina victims in New Orleans, March 3, 2007.

In the war of words between left and right, the conservative chattering classes suffered from a rhetorical quadruple whammy this week. Reality was not kind to the right with Republican rebellion over the Iraq surge, the Libby CIA leak trial, President Bush's abysmal State of the Union and Dick Cheney's media implosion.

Here, then, are Today's Mantras:

"I'm not that good at pronouncing words anyway."
President Bush, January 29, 2007.

"I just want to tell you, I didn't do it."
Scooter Libby, as quoted by current Cheney chief of staff David Addington, September 2003.

"My first reaction on this report from the battlefield is that the Iraqis are beginning to show me something."
President Bush, January 29, 2007.

"Well, I'm vice president and they're not."
Dick Cheney, on his critics, January 29, 2007.

"I see that the Democratic ideas are more related to reality."
Ammar Tuma, a member of Iraq PM Maliki's ruling Shiite coalition, January 28, 2007.

"The Iranian people are more pro-American than any American university faculty."
Tony Snow, January 26, 2007.

"I'm the decision maker."
President Bush, January 26, 2007.

"Because I told them it had to."
President Bush, on why Iraq surge plan will succeed, January 25, 2007.

"I just think it's hogwash."
Dick Cheney, asked about White House mistakes in Iraq, January 25, 2007.

See the complete list of Today's Mantras here.

As George W. Bush prepares to deliver his 2007 State of the Union address, the President and his amen corner in suffered through another week of rhetorical distress. With the GOP in rebellion over the President's "surge' in Iraq and the CIA leak trial of Cheney chief-of-staff Scooter Libby underway, Bush in succeeding weeks might look back fondly on his current 28% approval rating.

Here, then, are the latest Quotes of the Week:

"I will not be sacrificed so Karl Rove can be protected."
Scooter Libby to Dick Cheney in 2003 as quoted in CIA leak trial opening statement, January 23, 2007.

"It's like looking in a drawer full of diamonds."
Tony Snow on President Bush's 2007 State of the Union address, January 22, 2007.

"The situation in Iraq is dire."
Lt. General David Petraeus, new U.S. commander in Iraq, January 23, 2007.

"Death is terrible."
President Bush, January 16, 2007.

"They sacrifice peace of mind when they see the terrible images of violence on TV every night."
President Bush on the war-time sacrifices of the American people, January 16, 2007.

"Using bad language like, you know, 'bring them on' was a mistake."
President Bush, January 14, 2007.

"I think the Iraqi people owe the American people a huge debt of gratitude."
President Bush, January 14, 2007.

"I would confess I'm no expert on Iraq."
Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, January 11, 2007.

The complete list of catastrophic conservative quotes is available here.